Lonley Flaming Wayfarer

6:11AM - fucking crying

I remember:
wanting to cry, more than anything
needing to stop crying
crying quietly to myself, so noone would hear me
crying because the world was ending as I knew it
twice.
I remember feeling so guilty and terrible, but that wasn't why I cried. I didn't cry for pity either. Because it's a secret that I cried those 2 times. The other time is a deep dark secret. I cried because I knew what was going to happen. I cried because I knew I'd never be the same. And I cried because I knew that I'd never see you again. And now I want to cry because I know it's true. But YOU will never read this, because you're just not allowed to know I still have these feelings.
I wanted to cry tonight, and not just because I ran out of cigarettes. I wanted to cry because of the piece of me that's missing, the hole that you filled, before we became I again, and we became a hole in my life. A hole too big to be filled just by me. So I fell into the hole. And it seems to me that you are the only one that can rescue me. But only if I cry enough tears to float closer to your arm. But if I'm wrong, and you're nowhere near... then I guess I'll die in this hole. Drowning in my own tears, or starving at the bottom of this hole.
I just want to cry so bad, but I can't.
someone hug me.

11:05PM

Rawr livejournal.
Server maintainance has been keeping me from making this update, for which I had great and wonderful ideas.
Since then, I've forgotten them. So whatev. I'm having a lovely day. Absolutely fabulous. Just kidding. My day is shitty. I've been alone all day (for the most part) and feeling badly about this lack of boyfriend thing. So, when my family came home... they rubbed in that I hadn't eaten & they had, and that I was a lousy cook. So I gave up and just had a glass of milk and another pb&jelly sandwich. Which isn't bad, but I've eaten a lot of em in the last few days.
And that ends my pathetic day.

9:57AM

OK.
HEY!
I was bored, and I so I decided to come post over here.
Hooray.
I think I don't particularly like this new web interface... But not that it matters, coz I'm not updating here anyway. However, if you were wondering: I do read over here regularly. I swear!
Life is hard lately. I need money like whoa. It's not even funny anymore.
But at least I'm not alone. And by alone, I mean that I have a boy that I'm kinda seeing. But that's confusing because I can't tell if he is shy, and that's why he didn't call me... or because he just isn't interested. I think I can rule out not interested, coz when I talked to him the other day, he sounded like he wanted to see me again. Specifically mentioned hanging out again. I think thats a good sign.
Brandon is still anti-him. I still think Brandon wants me. We got drunk the night before last, and he was all up on trying to cuddle with me while I was laying on the couch. I wasn't having any part of it, but he tried a couple times. Nothing personal... but that'd be like cuddling with Tom... I don't really feel comfortable with people touching me, y'know? Like, I <3 hugs. But it's a whole other story to sleep with someone, or the like. This is something that's been stewing for a bit. Blegh.
[evil laughter]
http://www.turdhead.com/games/piranha/
Try this, it's fun
[/evil laughter]
The end, I think.
me

1:16AM

Lonely...
:(

1:39PM

heeheehee
Naked internet party!
Oop. You missed it.
Well, it was far too exclusive for you anyway. Heeheehee...
ANYWAY.
Poll time, I think...
Fuzzy? or Shaved?
la ti dah... that's a fun question. More fun, is you guessing what it is. Because I know that only one reader knows what the fuck I'm talking about. :-D
and I'm off to class now.
Just thought I'd check in for a bit.

12:14AM

I post weird poetic stuff no one understands


why is YOUR livejournal annoying?
brought to you by Quizilla


This day has been boring.
I give up.
::yawn::
I am in love, I suppose that makes it a bit better...
But I'm still bored while everyone else has something to do.
::yawn:: <-- that is for the fantasticness of my life.
ugh.
I can't bear to write any more about it now.
I am going to do some homework. Whoo, that's exciting


:-*
Me...

11:42AM

Your Sexual Profile (you sexual deviant you...) by sparkledee
Name
Your Secret Kink Thing	Clowns excite you. A lot.
Your Sexual Strength	You are incredibly flexible...
Your Sexual Weakness	Quick to draw, fast to finish
Your Likely STD	You're clean!
How Many Partners in Crime?	20
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

So that's that. And that being that, I think it may just be time for an update.
OK, so here goes. An update. Let's see. I have a job now. But don't cheer yet, it'll only be a matter of time before I get fired for missing work. MMM. It's at 7 am. Hah. We'll see about that. It will, almost certainly, kill me dead. Deader than normal.
In other news...
Spent Vday with the boi, that was bien. Stole a phone number from him... oops >:-D
Joel-Call me. hah. like hell. Nope, that one was gone and but quick. Not in his phone either. Can we say jealous lover? Yes, It's pronounced BEN. Rawr. I pole-danced. That was fun, interesting, novel, and not as easy as it looks. Not easy at all actually, I am heavier than I realized. And apparently not good enough to look at, coz no one (for the most part) was watching me. Even Dan got distracted... off to the bar for another. Oh, and I got attacked by some random drunk guy. Not like "Ima kill you". No, no. More like, hold real still, and Ima kiss and fondle you. He was gone quick, let me tell you. bleaugh. Ain't no one pushes me up against a wall without either me asking, or consequences. His were hardly dire, I just left. But nevertheless, I am sure his drunk heart was absoulutely crushed. Oh, well. That's me, Ben Heartbreaker L#XAXT. (and no, that's not really my name...Although sometimes I wish it were)....
got a haircut. oh, how I do not approve. no more shakey-hair. :'-(

Um. Putting off my homework... gee what a surpise. An entry to stave off the demons of homework. heh.

Um. Other things that are new? Let's see. Job, weekend... Oh, ran into Danni Mac at the bar. That was... unavoidable. Unfortunate. Eh. Not that she isn't nice, but idk... we aren't best buds, and the history of whatever with Dar slightly biases me.
la ti dah ti dah ti daaaaaah
that's all i think. Sleepie time for me.
I didn't get back til 4, then to bed, and up at 8. Ok, so 930. but still not enought sleep. HW,sleep,class.
BYE!
:-*
Me
(like anyone else would bother making up such twaddle?)

6:45PM

What Is Your HP Threesome? by elschan
Name
You Will Shag	Fred and George Weasley
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

6:35PM - graaah

Fade Away

I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh

But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

4:29AM - oh, by the way

Happy new year, by the way. What a way to start it off.
Jealous and alone. ::sigh::
happy new year

3:18AM

::sigh::
Here's the scoop. Boyfriend is in Florida with his ex. (todd). Interesting, huh? I thought it was fun and exciting. In a paranoiac, I trust you, I don't trust him kinda way. Goddamn. I didn't realize what this felt like before. And it pisses me off. I know that there probably isn't anything going on between them. BUT, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have liked to have been consulted in the matter as to my feelings. Which is not to say that he didn't ask, but he didn't ask me until he had already bought the tickets. Which means that my opinion really matters. I've decided that I will share this with him when he returns. My reason? Why give him a reason to dislike me in the slightest at the moment? That would be foolish, as who he is with. Also, I don't want to ruin his vacation with my thoughts. And I know that when we "discuss" it, it will be me feeling quite stupid, as he explains why and shit. I hereby resolve to stay pissed off. Oh, and one other thing that isn't good about it. I was invited to go down and see him for new years, and then to the club for the evening. Apparently I waited for too long (my fault, although I did tell him why all my friends couldn't go (who were also invited to go), so I figured that would tell him I was going... Must be more specific in the future) and he made other plans. He told me, at first, that he was going to some party with friends, and that I was not invited. I was confused, as I figured that there was no real reason that he couldn't take me... Oh, but there was a good reason. He shaded the truth on the party. He told me the next day that he had indeed thought about going to some party, BUT that the reason that I wasn't invited was because of who he was going to hang out with. (Guess who?) Thats right! Todd. BUT Todd couldn't go to Dan's general area because the Army said so. SO, instead, Dan decides to go take a "vacation" to see him, his beach house, yacht, and private dock/beach area. So imagine my surpise when I was enlightened to all of this. Oh, I think that this is also important: He and Todd broke up only because of Todd's basic training, and the fact that he was in Cali(poor thing) and did not try valiantly enough to get out of his committment. So, can you think of why it is that I think that this wasn't such a good idea? I don't know how comfortable I would be in the home of an ex-boyfriend, no matter how close a friend he had become/been after the close of the relationship. So, why would I have any problem with him going? Why should I tell him now? I will wait, because what good does it do to say anything now? He is already there. That isn't a changeable situation. So what the hell is the point? And what was the point of asking me what I thought AfTeR he bought the ticket? By that point, you've made it quite clear that my opinion doens't really matter enough to ask. ... And now that I think of it, I don't think I have used his(todd's) name to Dan since I knew about this fiasco. And that is intentional... I don't want to humanize him. If he is human, then it makes me consider him as a person, and his interests in the matter. As I've never met him, and have seen few (maybe 2?) pictures, it is easy and good for me to just let him be someone anonymus. ::sigh:: Stupid thing to do. But I will have discussion in the matter. Darlene already told me that she would be done at this point. And it occurs to me that I don't know if I could end it so abruptly. Then again, this was a highly unwise decision. I have also been notified within the past month, that the one and only Todd may be moving back to the general area. Hip Hip Hooray. Oh. and the scale Dan (somewhat jokingly) uses? "The Ultimate Todd" scale? Um, yeah. That is comforting. It is wonderful that I have a high rating, but who can beat that? Oh, wait. The guy after whom the scale was modeled? Oh! Yeah, of course.
::sighs heavily::
So what is it that I am supposed to do here? Do I keep him?
::wonders why boys are so stupid::

2:20AM - How fucking dare you.

How fucking dare you.
How dare you be angry with me.
How dare you LIE to me.
How fucking dare you give me the silent treatment after you were being a complete asshole.
I left my room here, shaking I was so so so angry. I do not have the energy to type all the shit out here tonight. He is a big penis. That's about it. So... that is all for now... a lesson on how to piss me off?
1. silent treatment
2 add deciete.
3. mix well.
4 add time
5. let set for as long as you want.

12:04AM - i don't understand...

oh
Edit: I forgot. Dan is here for the week. He has no classes, therefore, he stays here in Ithaca with me. but now I know that I must have done something. Coz if I look over, its like ... he glances up, and just looks back to the screen. ::growl:: I don't get it. it makes me sad, unhappy, and a little angry. I like nice, open discourse... oy.
Ima die from this disease that eats me.

not really... but I don't like it.

11:28PM

So, I was sick yesterday. That would explain the odd headaches. So, my fever was wicked high... like 101. not fun. But its down to like 99 now. I was feeling better. But then I ate. Nachos. At school. Bad idea. I am not feeling so well in the stomach anymore.
I think that I am too sensitive... we were at dinner...(dan and I) and by the end he was playing tetris on his phone. I figure I must have done something... or that he thinks I did. ::sigh:: But I don't know. I could just be too needy...::wonders if that is the right word::... I do think that I deserve undivided attention when I am talking about something. But idk. I will let it slide... i figure since we ended up talking about his dog and the inevitability of her death... it was his perogative... I will live.

11:03PM

in all fairness... I did talk to Dan today. But then I had to go to class, so I cut it short. And now that I think of it... tonite is the first time in a LONG time that I have eaten with someone. Like seriously? It has been a VERY LONG time. I think that I hate it. But more appropriately, I hate that it's my damn fault. My fault that I don't have anyone to hang out with. mine mine mine. Im selfish too. This blame here? this big pile of it? ALL MINE.
::growls::
Fuck. My head is starting to hurt. AGAIN. I think that it does not bode well... I must be getting sick. Double fuck. I don't have time for that. I have exams and papers and shit. ahhh. fuck it aaaaaaaallll.

10:57PM - A red letter day

I feel lousy. I think that no one wants me. Not one person has IMed me or texted me all day. I left IMs for my best friend... no response. Tom? no response. Dan, no response. Have I turned into a monster? Is it now fashionable to ignore my very existance? :: sigh:: and I think i am getting sick. Ima leave now, before I whine too much more. Sleep looks so good. Sleeptime is time that I don't have to worry. Sleep looks fantastic now. :-\ nite all. like you care.

6:49PM - Holiday season...

Now I am in the christmas mood. It is good.
::goes looking for my fav. christmas song::
L
:)

3:03AM - Phone Post

VoicePost 144K 0:41

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2:04AM - ::gasp:: what? an update?

Thats right. I am updating. Isn't it exciting? I just got my computer back. It had to take a little trip to memphis over thanksgiving. Then decided to take the long way home... to just outside my home actually. But I got it taken care of. After about 2 hours. That was fun. But now I am back. Ok, so... since the last update:
1. Dan and I are good. (I think... Idk, coz when we were talking on the phone... he was all like... ah shit and stuff. Then I asked and he just said "nothing". And I got to know that it was something to do with me. So idk.)
2. I was in NYC on saturday night
3. I was in a gaybar in NYC on saturday night
4. I was on a stage in a gaybar in NYC on saturday night
5. I was in a contest on a stage in a gaybar in NYC on saturday night
6. I was in a contest that involbed clothing removal on a stage in a gaybar in NYC on saturday night.
That was fun. I also danced with a few cuties. Only one really good looking guy... the kind that makes you go: "oh. wow. wow. hello." and then we left. The breeders were tired. :( shoulda thought of that BeFoRe. Esp. since it was my car. :-p to Jon.
Oh, that reminds me. Jon Corbett, as he is called by everyone that I know that knows him, is Dan's best friend. He does not like me. We are civil. He is generally an asshole. Oh well. I can, and do like nearly everyone.
mmmm... what else is new...?
um. got a new cell phone for free. Verizon gave me a new one coz my old one was fucked up in the first... like 3 months. No way that should happen. So I got a new one.
mmm what else what else?
Hung out with aaron and laura while home for thanksgiving. That was fun.
::tired::
I think that it may be sleepytime for this lil college student.
Nite all.

1:56PM - Phone Post

VoicePost 47K 0:12

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